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That’s My Penis

Monday, October 1st, 2012

I’ve realized that when it comes to bodily functions, I’m a bit of a puritan. In junior high when boys decide that all the best jokes contain waste, I was always the first to be disgusted. And then in college we had a guy in our dorm nicknamed “the phantom shitter” because he liked to leave piles in conspicuous places. Everyone was disturbed, but I found this so unfathomable that I concluded the culprit had to be the evolutionary missing link.

Truth be told, it goes beyond shit jokes and poor bathroom skills and extends to public nudity and even propriety in my own home. I don’t skinny dip, even when my friends have been drawn to the taboo or freedom of the moment. (Or in some cases those friends who take any excuse to be naked and really have no business doing so.) In fact, I try to not even pee in front of my wife. I don’t have anything to be ashamed of here… I just don’t like to. Call me a prude.

This is a real problem once you have kids. Human or otherwise.

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I’ve been Punk’d

Thursday, May 27th, 2010

Celebrity is one of the things I find fascinating and infuriating about our society. People who are our entertainment have now become our idols. It’s as if the court Jester ( a slave-like role in its day) has now become the champion of the kingdom.

And the phenomenon has turned the corner from people famous for doing something we love, to people who are famous for just being famous.

Which leads me to my recent irksome line of questioning:

What is Ashton Kutcher known for? Why is this guy famous?

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Run Away Screaming

Tuesday, April 13th, 2010

I read the news and it feels like the late 1980s all over again. The US and Russia are signing arms reduction treaties, Iranian leaders are pledging to destroy the world, and in places we can barely name or find on a map men are trying to kill each other.

The cycle of life continues. Or death, as the case may be.

And I seem to have accidentally discovered a perfect solve. A weapon so unrelenting in its assault, so diabolical in its execution, and so far beyond conventional means that it would clear the world’s battlefields and make us all obsessed with our own survival instead of ending someone else.

Into the hotspots of the world we drop one thing.

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Porn For Everyone

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

Yep. I said Porn. For Everyone. And to those of you who are already either offended or embarrassed… I do have a point to make here.

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