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That’s My Penis

Monday, October 1st, 2012

I’ve realized that when it comes to bodily functions, I’m a bit of a puritan. In junior high when boys decide that all the best jokes contain waste, I was always the first to be disgusted. And then in college we had a guy in our dorm nicknamed “the phantom shitter” because he liked to leave piles in conspicuous places. Everyone was disturbed, but I found this so unfathomable that I concluded the culprit had to be the evolutionary missing link.

Truth be told, it goes beyond shit jokes and poor bathroom skills and extends to public nudity and even propriety in my own home. I don’t skinny dip, even when my friends have been drawn to the taboo or freedom of the moment. (Or in some cases those friends who take any excuse to be naked and really have no business doing so.) In fact, I try to not even pee in front of my wife. I don’t have anything to be ashamed of here… I just don’t like to. Call me a prude.

This is a real problem once you have kids. Human or otherwise.

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Worse than a Shit Job

Saturday, July 14th, 2012

A garbage truck pulled up to my work the other day and the driver got out to empty our dumpster. As always he wore coveralls so filthy they appear to have not been cleaned since he bought them, which actually makes some sense – when you realize that every day will make your clothes dirty and smelly there’s not a lot of motivation to make sure your duds are presentable. Dealing with our dumpster is this man’s job, his source of income, and the way he funds those times when he puts on normal (presumably clean) clothes and does something for fun.

Moments like this get me thinking about how blessed I am in my job, and reminds me of some truly terrible ways to make a living.

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Shit Storm IV: The Surprise

Thursday, December 22nd, 2011

I didn’t expect to be writing about this topic any time soon, but that’s the thing about shit… it can surprise you.

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Shit Storm – Now with More Swagger

Tuesday, July 26th, 2011

Recently, my son’s weapons grade bowels struck again and gave me a newfound appreciation for the wonder of diapers. Obviously something has to be done to keep little ones from literally soiling everything everywhere with a dedication rivaling the postal service. But, after nearly two years of diapers, I’ve found myself genuinely appreciating them as a vital tool in a parent’s fight for sanity (Sanitary?).

Diapers are one of those constantly improving products, yet I’ve never heard of anyone who actually works in diaper development. Who are these secret refiners of the disposable shit-catcher? Do they work underground? Is there a bunker somewhere filled with diarrhea plagued toddlers and a haggard group of lab-coated scientists? Seal teams are publicity whores by comparison.

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