I’ve been thinking about the two things I hate the most.
I hate them in me. I hate them in others.
Pride. And Jealousy. Two things which travel together like evil twins with a pyro problem and a bag full of lighters. Leave them alone for two minutes and half your life’s ablaze.
Just when I think “I’m doing okay… I’m cool with where I am, where I’m going, what I’m doing…” Some friend calls with great news. And I’m struggling with how shitty it is they have great news when I don’t.
How absurd is that?
Right now, I’m not feeling that at all… I’m feeling blessed, actually. And I’m finding myself very aware of Pride and Jealousy coming from others. That’s what’s got me thinking about my own evil twins in a new light.
How many times have I heard the success of a friend and been happy for them… while silently grinding a axe the size of a volkswagen. “Why can’t I have that?” “What do they bring that I don’t?” “When do I get my turn?’
I’ve wasted years on these emotions. Wasted. Years.
And what really concerns me is the knowledge I’ll do it again. Something will happen around me and I’ll find a way to make it the worst news I’ve ever heard. A deathblow to my perfectly orchestrated…
Wait… Stop… That’s just it… I had nothing perfectly orchestrated. Unless you count chaos.
So I’m talking with God about it. Trying to live in the moment. Right… NOW. Keep in mind all the things I have that I didn’t 6 months ago. A year ago. Looking for God’s hand in my past, cause I’m completely blind to it in my present, and don’t believe in it for my future.
I hung out with one of my best friends in the world tonight. His Birthday. Very low-key. Very few people. Made me appreciate our friendship even more. And we got into a discussion of another event this weekend which we weren’t invited to.
Bitching that we weren’t a requirement at someone else’s event, even while we sit at our own exclusive gathering. Suddenly we’re petty 7th graders… and we’re all in our 30s!
And let’s be honest, I’m about as much fun at a party as the cops showing up.
I am UN-vital. And that’s fine. In fact, that’s as it should be.
I’m blessed by great friends. They find me vaguely interesting, which is hard to do at times. And I find them entertaining and some of them, freaking funny.
And I have a God I don’t understand most of the time. He told me to get out of the boat and I’m sputtering my way through every moment.
But I’m not drowning.
I hope I can keep the Green Monsters at bay for a while. Remember all the stuff I need to be doing instead of caring what someone else does. And keeping in mind that from someone else’s perspective I’m the lucky bastard that has what they want.
Pick up the tripod and change perspective.
Cause no one’s really cares what I’m doing anyway – they have their own monsters.
And I feel like Monster hunting…