A garbage truck pulled up to my work the other day and the driver got out to empty our dumpster. As always he wore coveralls so filthy they appear to have not been cleaned since he bought them, which actually makes some sense – when you realize that every day will make your clothes dirty and smelly there’s not a lot of motivation to make sure your duds are presentable. Dealing with our dumpster is this man’s job, his source of income, and the way he funds those times when he puts on normal (presumably clean) clothes and does something for fun.
Moments like this get me thinking about how blessed I am in my job, and reminds me of some truly terrible ways to make a living.
Those who know me have realized that my brain finds and traps completely random pieces of information which have no real business taking up valuable space in my gray-matter. Add to this my tendency to ponder questions I find fascinating but will probably never get asked. So from this place in my head I present the two jobs I most want to avoid and two great reasons to love your job:
#2. Septic Tank Serviceman – To put it simply, this job is shit. You go around to random people’s homes and open up the place where they have stockpiled their excrement for more than a decade. “Pack-rat” is redefined when you have to crack the top on a thousand gallons of a family’s bodily waste. This is your job. Drain it, transport it, and on a really bad day get down there and figure out what’s clogging it up. There is no way to not catch shit at work today. This could have the best retirement plan on the planet but I wouldn’t make it through the first day. If you’ve been following along at all you know that I don’t do well with Shit, and have begun to think it’s out to get me. I could however spend a while thinking up tag lines for someone’s septic tank business:
“Your Shit is our business”
“We’re here to take your crap.”
I could go on, but I’d rather read your ideas in the comments below.
#1. E.C.T. – You may have not heard of this job, and I forget exactly where I came across the information as I probably blocked out the experience. I believe I was watching some sort of documentary on horse racing and the breeding of these very expensive animals. This is the world of the super-rich and so they hire dozens of underlings to do all kinds of “dirty work”. However the business of racehorses is a meticulous one and like mixing the perfect drink, a winning horse must be made from the proper ingredients.
The romance is officially gone for a racehorse put out to pasture. His job is to sire more like himself but he can’t just see a Filly in the next stable, show her how fast he can run, and then go back to his stable for a literal roll in the hay. Nope. Racehorse sperm is valuable.
So the wealthy owners of winning horses will get their steeds worked up in a confined pen and when they are ready for action… Well… A man steps in with a receptacle to collect.
To my horror a man with just such a job was now on my TV screen, explaining what he does with a shocking straight face. For a moment I prayed he wears some kind of NASA developed Hazmat suit, but then the world stopped when his title appeared on screen below his name.
“Ejaculation Collection Technician”
This is the most perfect example of overstatement I have ever seen. This man steps in front of a racehorse, grabs it’s arm sized business and makes sure it “goes in the bag”, so to speak. I have a name for this job. The real title:
Cum Catcher
And while I’m sure he makes a fine living (it’s a wealthy business, after all) there is no amount of money or fancy titles that hide the fact that this man goes to work everyday to get Jizzed on.
So… You can all go back to work now, secure in the knowledge that your job is not nearly as bad as you thought. Somewhere out there are men doing these jobs and also looking forward to their weekends, their vacations, and their retirement. Except their day to day is far worse than ours… and I would be well served to remember these poor souls.
Got a worse job to share? Leave it in the comments…