Seasons in Los Angeles

Written by todd on June 6th, 2010

This is an anniversary of sorts. Fourteen years ago this week I loaded my gunmetal gray Chevy Caprice and came to Los Angeles. I moved in with three guys I didn’t know, in a building across the street from my current home in Glendale.

And now, just this week, I know for sure that I’m leaving Los Angeles and I’m moving to Park City, Utah.

I’ve never lived anywhere as long as I’ve lived in LA. My life before California was somewhat transient: Kingsville – 3 months, Houston – 3 years, England – 6.5 years, Houston – 4 more years, Norway -1 year, Houston – 3 more years, Waco – 5 years. And then LA with big plans, big dreams, and a lifetime ahead of me.

Now this city is more my hometown than Houston ever was. This state feels more inviting than Texas ever did. I have so many memories and milestones here that I’ve begun to forget them all and cling to the big ones –

My engagement. My first real job. My marriage. My favorite outdoor adventures. My most exotic travels. My screenplays. My Car Show. My dog. My son. My best friends… All linked to Los Angeles. All growing from roots planted here.

I’ve fought to stay in LA this long. My wife has fought alongside me. And while somewhere inside I knew I wouldn’t stay here indefinitely, I always imagined I’d have done “more” by the time I packed up and moved on.

But those feelings lead me to the other side of this equation. LA has taught me anger. LA has made me cynical. LA has taken a boy who was naïve and easygoing and tried to make him bored with life and mad at the world. Hopes and dreams have been soured into fantasies and impossibilities.

So, I live in the city of dreams, but I no longer dream. Not of a big screenplay sale. Or directing a studio feature film. I’ve seen those things for what they are: glass houses full of smoke and mirrors. Now instead of dreaming, I doubt.

There are things I would have done differently. Moments I would have capitalized on, or opportunities I didn’t see until later. But taken as a whole, I’ve done a lot. And I’m learning that my background and life experience are more impressive than they feel to me – like listening to your voice on tape for the first time only to discover that everyone else thinks it’s normal and even impressive while you alone believe it’s odd and disappointing.

So with all I’ve done. All we’ve built. All that still feels left to accomplish. The time has come. And the catalyst is quite simple – money.

I’m only just now realizing that those outside the film industry have no idea how bad it is right now throughout Hollywood. On top of the fact that California is bankrupt and trying to tax people right out of the state, Los Angeles is offering fewer jobs while paying even less.

If you want to work for free, then Hollywood wants you right now. But if you want to get paid something worth a decade of experience then go sit down… With the 300 other people who have your same experience and are desperate for this same job!

In the past year, the only people I know who’ve been hired by the film industry have all been right out of college and getting their first job. Luckily for them, they will advance from their entry-level over-worked and under-paid opportunities to better hours, better titles, and better pay. But what does this new Hollywood hiring plan mean to someone like me?

It means I have no work. And I’m moving.

The really challenging thing for me has been the things this move has stirred up. The classic mid-life-crisis style questions of “what am I doing?” and “what do I want my life to be?” are unavoidable in a time like this. Yet, unlike my move to LA I’m now married with a young son, a dog, and things I could never imagine at the age of 23.

So my wife and I are going through our life, really deciding what’s important. What really matters. Both physically, in the hordes of furniture and gatherings that are part of a life, and figuratively, in those intangibles that bring about contentment.

And we settle on one recurring thing: We want a high quality of life, not quantity of life. We both know too many people who work too much, make a fortune, and only enjoy their lives for the two weeks of vacation they take each year. I can think of few things more heartbreaking.

My goal is the same as it’s been since leaving New Line: Grow and Contribute, and get paid to use the skills I have honed over this time. Now with the Canon 7D and the Red in every company’s closet there are places all over in need of high quality production and post.

As a result, we went in search of what we want our life to look like and then tried to find a job to back it up. Of course, it’s never as easy as it sounds in your head, and my job search has been anything but straightforward. But we’ve always wanted to live in the mountains, close to skiing, hiking, climbing, and the scenery that speaks to our souls.

Which brings us to Utah, and Park City. Most people expected us to leave LA and move right back to Texas. But we’ve done Texas, and the things in life we really want aren’t there. I know plenty of blessed, happy, thriving people in Texas. Yet I can’t imagine myself among them. It feels like putting Pocahontas in Victorian England.

So as He often has, God provides in ways we didn’t suspect and lets us drift frighteningly close to the edge before grabbing our collars. A place to live, a lower cost of living, and work opportunity have all materialized around Park City. All while promising a quality of life we always reserved for “someday”.

There are plenty of risks in this new life we are starting toward. No guarantees it will turn out as we hope. But we’re talking about what we want our life to be, and what’s possible, and what might be in our reach if we stretch. In the midst of this planning, striving, mourning, and risking … something new has arisen.

Suddenly, out of a dusty corner of my mind… I’m dreaming again.

And it feels good.

I just never expected to feel hopeful while leaving.

 

11 Comments so far ↓

  1. Virginia says:

    WOW! Well-said. mom x0x0

  2. David Deeken says:

    Love you Todd, Cate, Bodie, (and Sierra), more than you know. Yes, we are very excited for you. We think it is great that you are moving onward. You are adventurers, looking for a new frontier. And that is always exciting, always a time for growth, even with trials and challenges and the unknowns. Stay very close to the Lord Jesus Christ, and, stay very tight in your family. And God will pull you through and grow you in the process. Love Dad

  3. Matt Winston says:

    I’m going to just forget you said that “ALL” of your best friends live in California and remind you that I’ve been looking for a snow-skiing opportunity with cheap lodging rates. Let me know if you need a “ski-buddy” this winter!! :)

  4. Christopher D'Aiuto says:

    Can’t believe it! You and Cate did so much that made me feel like L.A. was home when I was there by inviting me into your small group, Thanksgivings, and Birthdays. I can’t imagine returning to L.A. and you two not being around the corner. This sounds amazing though and that God has you going where you need to be. I pray you continue to see his hand at work and that it reveals many more dreams yet undreamt.

  5. Nancy Koehler says:

    What a terrific young man you are! And what a wonderful discription of your feelings and expierences. The Lord is with you Todd and remember that Don and I will always pray for you, Cate and Bodie……as well as your mom, dad and Amiee. Be safe and God bless you!

  6. Dava White says:

    Christopher said exactly what I was thinking. Miss you guys so much…will be that much more when I go back to L.A.

  7. Peter Cook says:

    It’s a hard thing to shed cynicism. Its hard when you feel you are where you belong and one day you wake up and realize its time to move. I hope the Lord richly blesses you and your family on your way too and in your new home. -Peter

  8. Noah Mortel says:

    All of the help and kindness you have shown to me and others I know will be added ten-fold to you. You really have had an impact and have inspired me in life and I’m very grateful for it. God bless you on your move to Park City. I know God has great things in store for you and your family Todd!

  9. Lauren Fitton says:

    Score! I know someone in Utah! Vacay…..

    But for real, it will be quite a bummer not having you guys close by. Im excited for you, though!! Im glad youre dreaming once more.

  10. Shane Bierley says:

    Todd,

    As I may have have mentioned before, you were a big reason of why I decided to stay in LA and search for work.

    You, Cate, Bodie, (and of course Sierra’s) hospitality and willingness to lend a hand for whatever I needed when I moved out to the big city means more to me than you know and I am truly sad to see one of Baylor’s finest leave town.

    Please keep in touch and I promise never to stop writing, so long as you are willing to rip every draft I write to shreds :)

    I know I speak for everyone: We’ll miss you buddy!

  11. Nasty says:

    Great post and all, but you left out one important and serious detail.

    How close to the lifts is your new pad?

    Love you, miss you, can’t wait to visit.

    – Nathan

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